I feel frustrated! I feel stranded! I don't know why I am feeling like this. Am I still in love with him? My instant response is No, but I think it is just because I was dreading the answer. I 'm gonna try once again...do I love him? Yes. My first faint response is yes. Can I imagine a world without him? No. Can I live without him? No.
I still feel like crying whenever I hurt him -- physically or emotionally. I still get damn worried when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. But, I feel as if...as if I can't spend anymore time with him. I feel that my time with him is numbered--limited. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not be here anymore. That I will be dragged away someplace far away..I am afraid that I'm not good enough. I am afraid that I will be lonely. I am afraid that he will at last see some sense..and will then leave me.
I think that the main reason that I am angry and unsure is that he wasn't there for me when I needed him acutely. Yes, that is the reason. I realized that I had become dependent on him...I had considered him to be my rock. But he wasn't there in two circumstances...one of them way bigger for me to handle all alone. It frightened me. It felt like deja-vu. It has happened before. And that time too I lost a loved one. I'm not angry at him...not disappointed...but I have this strange foreboding....something bad is going to happen to me. I am angry at myself..at my luck..or rather, my fate. I am angry at everyone.
I can't tell him...I know. He will either apologize or try to reassure me. I want neither..as I know..it is neither his fault nor his duty. I don't want to worry him. I really want our relationship to work. So. I can't ever tell him that we have got much less time together. It will break his heart. And, I won't be able to stand it...
Hey, friends!! Just an excerpt. Nothing else. I'm thinking of making a story out of it. That is, if you all like excerpt. Even if the story really does takes place...one chapter at a time....
Cheerio!!!!!
I still feel like crying whenever I hurt him -- physically or emotionally. I still get damn worried when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. But, I feel as if...as if I can't spend anymore time with him. I feel that my time with him is numbered--limited. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not be here anymore. That I will be dragged away someplace far away..I am afraid that I'm not good enough. I am afraid that I will be lonely. I am afraid that he will at last see some sense..and will then leave me.
I think that the main reason that I am angry and unsure is that he wasn't there for me when I needed him acutely. Yes, that is the reason. I realized that I had become dependent on him...I had considered him to be my rock. But he wasn't there in two circumstances...one of them way bigger for me to handle all alone. It frightened me. It felt like deja-vu. It has happened before. And that time too I lost a loved one. I'm not angry at him...not disappointed...but I have this strange foreboding....something bad is going to happen to me. I am angry at myself..at my luck..or rather, my fate. I am angry at everyone.
I can't tell him...I know. He will either apologize or try to reassure me. I want neither..as I know..it is neither his fault nor his duty. I don't want to worry him. I really want our relationship to work. So. I can't ever tell him that we have got much less time together. It will break his heart. And, I won't be able to stand it...
Hey, friends!! Just an excerpt. Nothing else. I'm thinking of making a story out of it. That is, if you all like excerpt. Even if the story really does takes place...one chapter at a time....
Cheerio!!!!!
